issue #212 - the things I'm not good at

how I'm changing what I can and accepting the things I can't

What are you bad at?

I’m not talking about the humble brags - I work too hard, I care too much, I’m too committed to my job/my family.

I’ll go first.

I’ve been bad with money, until recently (and I still slip). I have always been an emotional spender, purchasing a little treat here and there until I realize I’ve spent over $100 on random things on Amazon I definitely didn’t need and didn’t even really want - I was just chasing dopamine. It happened this week (I bought an iPhone camera grip from an Instagram ad and spent an hour searching for a new snake bracelet I definitely don’t need).

This is where my scrolling habits come in handy - Money With Katie is the Instagram account/podcast/newsletter I now click over to when I feel a shopping spiral coming on. Katie delivers supportive, smart, and judgement free advice and commentary, like how beauty culture and consumerism preys on women (my Sephora account feels this). Katie’s newsletter is my favorite and where I’d start.

I’m messy. Most of my drawers are overstuffed (one can’t close because something’s stuck behind it) and my suitcase is still open on the luggage rack and not completely unpacked. There’s a pile of packages to open and sort in my entryway, and I desperately need to donate the books that are causing my shelves to dip. And I can’t bring myself to start any of these until I absolutely have to.

These messes pile up when I’m feeling anxious, and their presence and growth causes even more anxiety. I promised myself that I’ll handle them before my husband’s birthday at the end of April - please hold me to it.

I’m not overly sentimental about my physical belongings, but I’m irrationally sentimental about my digital things. I held onto my laptop until the very last minute of battery charge because it’s the one I wrote We’re Speaking and negotiated and closed our licensing deal on. My computer’s desktop is covered in screenshots and my downloads folder were a complete and utter disaster. I used the new computer as an opportunity to start fresh (which was terrifying and unnecessary, as Apple made it seamless to transfer everything to my new laptop). I also cleaned out my overflowing Photos library with the help of this app (I used it and canceled the subscription before my 3 day trial was up).

As I write these out, I realize that these are not standalone problems that occurred in isolation and thus can be treated as such.

Emotional shopping is chasing a dopamine rush to distract me from sitting with whatever has me feeling off and processing it. While I stand by the handful of random purchases I made this week, I also need to create a rule that the items get returned if I don’t open and use them straightaway.

My clutter piles keep me trapped in an anxiety loop, and I need an off-ramp (and to acknowledge that I can’t declutter everything all at once as much as I want to). Perhaps it’s just starting with this easy method, or just unpacking immediately after a trip.

I lost my digital copy of my senior thesis some 16 years ago and regret it. I’m fairly certain this is the cause of my digital hoarding habit, and I honestly accept it and will opt for the largest storage Apple devices and iCloud subscription available.

All’s this to say that I hope we acknowledge the things we’re not good at to remind ourselves that we’re human, and to be a bit more gentle with ourselves (and to take micro steps to changing when we’re ready).

What’s something you’re bad at? If you feel like you need to unload in a safe space, that’s what this letter and comments section are for:

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There’s No Place Home (Away From Home)
sponsored by Vrbo

The older I get, the more I learn that the little things are the big things.

The little health habits done daily - good sleep, proper nutrition, regular movement, offline time - are the biggest contributor to your health. How you rest matters more than how much time you have to rest. If you feel off, just add water.

And nothing resets your life more than a quick getaway.

I needed to smash this reset button last month, and Vrbo came to my rescue. I needed a cozy fireplace, plenty of seats to curl up in, the ocean, and peace and quiet. This gorgeous home was one that I had rented with a larger group of friends a few years back, and I was delighted to see it was available for a couple of mid-week nights, as was one of my closest friends who joined me on this getaway. 

Those two days were filled with the little things - windy walks on the rocky beach, preparing simple meals and enjoying them next to the fireplace, getting work done, falling asleep to the sounds of the ocean.

I’ve usually booked Vrbo home rentals for big family reunions (and just booked one for this month). But there’s something really cozy and special about having a home to yourself when you’re away from yours. Don’t get me wrong - I love a hotel. But I’m also loving the space and independence that comes with a home rental - and I also love earning OneKeyCash for a future Vrbo booking - or on Expedia or Hotels.com.

I need options. But for now, I’m looking forward to returning to this magical home in the summer. And maybe again in the fall.

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The 3 Body Problem

by Cixin Liu, translated by Ken Liu, and narrated by Rosalind Chao

You ever have that feeling where you know you read and loved a book but can’t seem to remember a single thing from that book? That’s The 3 Body Problem for me, which I read 7 years ago. I decided to re-read it via audiobook (the one narrated by one of the show’s stars, Rosalind Chao), and it is truly exceptional. The book blends physics and philosophy with exquisitely translated prose and I can’t stop reading it (I have about an hour left, as I write this letter).

You can find my 2024 reading list and reviews here, and purchase March’s reads here.

Folding Sunglasses ($60)

I prefer a small crossbody purse whenever possible, which means my essentials are pared down to the bare minimum - a slim card holder for my ID and a couple of cards, this small portable battery, some beauty essentials, and these folding sunglasses. They’re comfortable, great quality, and look chic at a decent price point (because my kids will inevitably break my sunglasses, no matter how hard I try).

You can find my monthly Amazon favorites here.

The employee benefit that pays for itself

published by Moms First & Boston Consulting Group

Means testing is the justification for a lack of legislative action for issues we desperately need action on - like childcare.

“We just don’t have enough data,” legislators will say.

Enter this timely report on childcare benefits, created by Moms First and Boston Consulting Group. The report examined specific benefits - near-site child care centers with priority registration & discounts, a child care stipend, emergency onsite child care for hourly employees - and followed specific employees who used those benefits and continued with their careers at those companies.

The results of this study are remarkable. Retaining as few as 1% can cover the cost of benefits, and produce up to a 425% return on investment over a range of returns.

We have the data. Now it’s time to get these benefits, from the private and the public sectors.

You can find every issue of #5SmartReads here, and subscribe to the daily newsletter here.

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Sharing

the shows & film I’m watching right now:

• The 3 Body Problem (Netflix) - reviews (and my brother-in-law) said the show isn’t a direct adaption of the book, so we decided to dive in before finishing reading the series. It’s excellent so far.

• Palm Royale (Apple TV+) - if Mad Men and Only Murders in the Building had a show baby, it would be this dark comedy. It’s visually stunning and the writing and acting is so sharp.

• Pride and Prejudice (2005) - a comfort re-watch that I indulged in this week while sipping on a cup of tea.

Making

I’ve really missed cooking and am making it a point to cook the few nights I’m home before I leave for Nashville. Here’s what I’ve cooked/planning on cooking:

• Saturday - stir fry tofu and veggies with Omsom spicy bulgogi, served with coconut rice

• Sunday - spicy cavatappi with plant-based sausage (I use Carbone arrabbiata sauce with a healthy spoonful of goat cheese, dill, and whatever vegetables I have on hand).

• Monday - channa saag served with naan or rice (a game time decision)

• Tuesday - kimchi black bean quesadillas (I love these tortillas for extra fiber)

Answering

• the best kids’ headphones and iPad case for travel (ours lave lasted 7 years since we began traveling with Rho and have withstood Rhaki’s wrath so far)

• the warm-but-lightweight coat I’ve been living in (it’s ‘third winter’ in NYC)

• the white boots I bought for Nashville (and because white ankle boots seem like a good idea, period)

Reading

• Live Learn Love Well by Emma Lovewell

• Romancing Mister Bridgerton by Julia Quinn (re-reading in anticipation for season 3)

Trying

to stay organized with a more simple system - a DUMP note in my Notes app. Anytime a random idea pops into my head, I quickly type it in this note. Whenever I have a spare minute, I go into this note to put the thought in the right note or category in this note, and make sure to schedule the urgent tasks from this note in my calendar regularly.

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Here’s to being honest and compassionate with ourselves. Sometimes, that’s more than enough.

xo,
HPN