how to uncompete
what I wish I shared instead
I have a weird relationship with competition.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this since Tuesday’s Zoom panel for
’s forthcoming book, Uncompete. Even on the call itself, I felt like my answer was pretty shallow and wished I could’ve answered it differently.I just didn’t know how I wanted to answer it.
It wasn’t until my flight home that it started to come to me.
Side note: does anyone else think better at 30,000 feet in the air, sipping on a crisp ginger ale?
Here’s the answer I wish I would’ve given:
I’m grateful for my parents for infinite reasons, but one of the main ones is that they rarely played the comparison game. It sounds small, but it’s a major deviation in South Asian culture (both in India and in the diaspora).
That’s not to say that others weren’t comparing me to my cousins and peers in their friend group. Of course they were, on matters that ranged from absurd (how many stanzas of a certain bhajan we knew) to downright harmful (colorism, caste, my figuring out who I wanted to be amidst the expectations others had for me).
The expectations one was a particularly stressful one for me and my parents, and we all coped differently. My mother even went so far as to “change” my name and called me Meenakshi (mind you, I was 19). According to her eldest sister, all of my attitude and poor choices were because my name didn’t share the starting sound of my nakshatra (star I was born under), Magha.
Mom called me Meenakshi for 6 months. I can look back on this moment with a chuckle and gratitude that this was the most extreme memory of being compared or put into competition with someone else.
Whenever I’ve been put into a direct competition, I was never really gunning for the top spot. I always aimed for the top area (usually second place, 2 is my lucky number), and felt successful when I landed in the top 3 or the top 5%.
My parents have always modeled “there’s room for all of us to succeed” mindsets, and it was my norm until I started actively competing in high school (sports, debate, for grades), in my first career in tech sales, and even falling into the competition trap in weak moments.
It was a gift to be raised with an active un-compete mindset, but it’s a practice to retain it. I’ve certainly fallen into the competition/comparison trap when We’re Speaking came out, and when I struggled to raise a Series A and shifted efforts to a licensing deal. I’m embarrassed to admit that I felt a fair amount of it during Diwali season, feeling all sorts of negative anxiety when I scrolled through parties I wasn’t invited to.
Is maturity being able to admit these feelings publicly? I’m going to say yes. I’m also going to use these feelings to pivot into actively uncompeting: acknowledge, celebrate, and reaffirm what success is for me.
“I’m so glad they got to attend that event. They looked fantastic, let me give this post some love. I’m so glad I was able to be home with the boys and have a cozy family evening. It was a great night.”
“Hell yes, my friend hit a bestseller list! Let me text her. Then it’s time to visit my hype file.”
I have an incredible hype file memory for We’re Speaking that I revisit often. The book came out the same week we signed our licensing deal for Rhoshan Pharma. A few months later, the Hyloris team was in the States for an in-person kickoff meeting. Their COO (who lives in the Austrian mountains) told me he got a copy of the book, really enjoyed it, and that it’s helped him be a better manager for the women on his team. Whenever I find myself slipping into a publishing comparison or competition trap, I pull up the screenshot of the text I had sent myself immediately after he shared these words, and really sit in gratitude with them.
I’m not interested in being in a room or at a table where there’s only room for one of us, or where success has a narrow, rigid definition. Reminding myself of that is as important as building the new tables and rooms, and redefining success from a place of abundance.
In the spirit of actively uncompeting, let me share a bit about each of the women on the panel and how you can support her:
Ruchika: one of the most generous women I’ve ever met. Who else launches her book by amplifying and celebrating the work of her friends first? Please buy a copy of Uncompete, and leave it a review as soon as you finish reading (the reason we keep asking for reviews is because they actually help drive eyeballs and purchases of our books).
Deepa: if you’ve ever wondered if there’s something beyond the day job you feel trapped in, you need to follow Deepa on Instagram for personal development content that won’t make you roll your eyes.
Alisha: I guarantee she’s written your favorite piece in the New York Times. My favorites are her take on my major annoyance in Nobody Wants This and her review of the New York Historical’s sari exhibit (which I still need to see!).
these are gift links via my subscription- : 99% of the self-care advice on the Internet is nonsense. Hers is rooted in actual care and working against the systems that make real self-care nearly impossible. Subscribe to her Substack.
Neha: she took a career pause when her son was born, and birthed an entire movement that redefined what it means to pause your career for family life. You likely follow her on Instagram or have read her book, but I recommend checking out her website—it’s got starter kits, articles, printables, and a flex jobs board.
Aditi: if you feel stressed, she’s here to help. I have used so many of her techniques for myself and my kids (stop-breathe-be is one that’s helped them a lot, and my phone is almost always on grayscale mode). The 5 Resets will change your life.
Are you competitive? Do you fall into the comparison trap?
Catch up on the latest:
things i’m loving right now
We’ve set up a monthly recurring donation to SACSS’ food pantry (which provides culturally palatable food staples to the South Asian community in New York). My friend Deepti has worked with the organization for years, and I appreciate that we can donate our time as well as our money.
If you are able, please donate through a nonprofit’s website (Instagram’s donation portal takes 30-90 days for the nonprofit to receive the funds).
The best things I packed for this work trip are these tiny disposable washcloths, MM.LaFleur boots (15K steps a day, no issues), and the best travel adapter.
I wish I had packed body lotion (my hotel didn’t provide any), my power bank (left it plugged into the wall), and reading glasses (I just bought a second pair for my purse/travel).
Happy birthday,
! I loved her 8 pieces of birthday wisdom. #4 (humble is not an aspiration) is the one I needed to be reminded of.Some excellent books that I finished recently: The Midnight Taxi, I Just Wish I Had A Bigger Kitchen, Master of Me, Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow (reading glasses are necessary for this one—it’s probably why it took me so long to read!).
One way I’m coping with the stress of the state of things is watching Hallmark movies. My dad and I flew through the Mystery Island films, Adventures in Love & Birding (which was based on the much-spicier Birding with Benefits), and Home Turf. Now that it’s November, it’s time to exclusively watch Countdown to Christmas and revisit our old Christmas favorites for the rest of the year.
If you enjoyed this weekend’s letter, please consider:
tapping the ❤️ icon below
tapping the 💬 and share your own check-in. I’d love to read how you’re doing.
upgrading your subscription, if budget permits
Wishing you a wonderful Sunday.
xo,
HPN
Love this top to bottom 💙 (and yes to thinking clearer in the sky 🌌).
I love this -- my parents claim they didn't raise competitive children, but we definitely all are. I find most of mine comes these days prompted by my other eldest daughter tendency: disappointing people. I constantly have to remind myself that "more for them doesn't mean less for me" and that we don't really know what's going on in people's lives, especially when all you "see" is what the present. Thanks for a timely reminder.